HSEP43: Be A Better Listener &… Thrive in Life
I ask myself, “what does it mean to thrive in life?” The answer I receive is:
- To be heart-fully engaged in my human experience, where I’m purposefully uncovering opportunities to grow, play, and add value to people’s lives.
All of these things, grow, play, and add value, are predicated on the depth of my ability to listen.
I ask myself, “what does it mean to be a good listener?” The answer I receive is:
- To let go of what I think I want and be an empty container that’s willing to understand the deeper issue and opportunity beyond the fearful stories.
What makes listening to others, and yourself, difficult? 3 things:
- The fear of not getting what you want
- Taking things personally
- Getting lost in the stories
Let’s dive in…
Opportunities to Grow
Growing as a human being is the development of awareness and skill sets, it’s stepping into the unknown and prioritizing learning (or discovering) over reaching an outcome. For most people, there’s an obsession with the outcome, and this only creates a fear of not getting that outcome. If we fear not getting the outcome, this fear creates a restriction that closes down our capacity to learn. The fear is a narrowing of awareness, rather than an openness of awareness.
Growing through improving your ability to listen:
Be heart-fully engaged in your human experience, where you're purposefully uncovering opportunities to GROW:
The fear of not getting what you want
- Don’t focus on growing to get something in the future. Focus on growing because of a genuine curiosity about what’s really going on. Wherever there appears to be a lack of growth, see if you can make it interesting, rather than threatening. If it’s threatening, then it’s most likely threatening something in a future outcome.
- Sure, it’s relevant to see how the lack of growth will lead to a negative future outcome, but that doesn’t mean you have to fear it. Fearing it gives it a power over you that it doesn’t really have. Rather, seeing that it will result in what you don’t want, is a beautiful awareness that shows you how important it is today.
Taking things personally
- In a beautifully insane way, we tend to take our lack of growth personally. This is to create negative meanings about the “lack of growth” and project those meanings onto ourselves. I strongly recommend expanding your awareness here, and seeing that what you think about the lack of growth, doesn’t mean anything about you at all. Taking things personally puts us back into a fearful state; we fear that it means we are less than, which simply says we already believe that. Again, the fearful state will make it near impossible to listen for a deeper opportunity that allows for new insights and see your circumstances with new eyes.
Getting lost in the stories
- There’s a profound simplicity: growth is a present-moment activity, present-moment attention that looks for new perspectives and to train new behaviors. This speaks to focus and trusting the process. If you show up every day or every week with the intention to learn and grow, then growth is inevitable.
- Real listening, is like listening to the present moment. What are you listening to? Are you listening to all the stories? Or, are you listening to what you’re engaged in? Don’t let the mind’s stories steal your attention. How does the mind try to steal your attention? Through fear, of course.
Opportunities to Play
Be heart-fully engaged in your human experience, where you're purposefully uncovering opportunities to PLAY:
Playing is an essential part of thriving in life. It's a way to connect with our inner child, release stress, and stay motivated. The question here is: Are you listening to your own inner play, or… are you trying to play someone else’s game that simply doesn’t interest you at all?
The fear of not getting what you want
- Don't focus on playing to achieve a certain goal. Focus on playing because it's fun and brings joy to your life. If you're worried about not getting what you want (winning), you won't be able to fully enjoy the experience. Instead, focus on the present moment and let go of your attachment to the outcome.
Taking things personally
- When we take things personally, we're more likely to get upset and stressed out. This can make it hard to enjoy playing and can even ruin the experience. Instead, try to take a step back and see things from a different perspective. Don't let other people's opinions or actions affect your ability to have fun and play.
- The greatest analogy for this is the simplicity of playing any game. If you think the points in the game are real, you won’t be any fun to play with. If you think the points mean you're more than or less than, you’ll see the other players as enemies. Remember, the points don’t mean anything apart from the meaning you give them. This is also to say, “the points aren’t personal.”
Getting lost in the stories
- Humans tend to get so caught up in their stories that we forget to have fun and play. We might worry about what other people think (taking things personally) or focus too much on the past or future. To overcome this, try to stay present and focus on the activity at hand and ask playful questions. Transform serious questions into playful ones.
Opportunities to Add Value
Be heart-fully engaged in your human experience, where you're purposefully uncovering opportunities to Add Value:
The fear of not getting what you want
- Don't focus on adding value to get something in return. Instead, focus on adding value because it's the FUN thing to do. When adding value or serving others, if you’re focused on getting something in return, you’re not truly listening. Rather, you’re trying to use what they say as a way of getting what you want.
- Adding real value to people’s lives starts with a willingness to deeply listen to where they are. It’s this open space of listening, that allows them to authentically express and be without any judgment or manipulative agenda. This space, in itself, is a gigantic value add. This space is only possible when you release the other person, which includes fully allowing the possibility that what you have to offer them, might not be what’s best for them.
Taking things personally
- When we take things personally, we will get defensive and are less likely to add value. We move from a space of openness (value add) to a space of being defensive (value drain). Instead, try to see things from the other person's perspective and honor their inherent freedom to see things how they see, right now. Essentially, this is you getting out of the way.
- Remember, adding value is not about winning or losing, it's about holding a space that allows other people to see themselves, others, and life more clearly. This space is a space of deep listening, and not a space of trying to get something that includes validation/acceptance and the avoidance of rejection.
Getting lost in the stories
- When it comes to listening to other people, there’s what they say is the problem, and then there’s the real problem. What we say is the problem, is the story. What’s underneath, is the opportunity. Sure, helping people manage their stories can be a value add. However, there’s a more significant value add that deals with what’s underneath.
- When it comes to listening to others, there is often a difference between what they say is the problem and… the real problem. What they say the issue is them telling a story (perfectly fine and understandable), while what's underneath the story is the opportunity. While helping people manage their stories can add value, there is an even more significant value-add when dealing with what's underneath.
- People think they want to fix their stories, really though, they desire to move from fear to love. Be careful here, you can’t always just come out and say that. This is about knowing for yourself what’s happening, rather than imposing that knowing on others. Let people have their stories (listen), but hold a space that knows the story isn’t the real issue. This space, invites them, without words, to see beyond their story.
- Every emotional disturbance, we can also say… every “value drain,” arises because there is fear. The real “value add,” is introducing more love. This love always begins with the space being held, which is also a space of deep listening.
Playful Conclusion
That's it! Remember, the key to thriving in life is to be heart-fully engaged in your human experience, growing, playing, and adding value. To accomplish this, we need to be good listeners. But, as we've seen, there are many things that can get in the way. Fear of not getting what we want, taking things personally, and getting lost in our stories are all major obstacles to becoming better listeners.
Summary Points:
- Growth is a present-moment activity that requires an openness of awareness.
- Playing is an essential part of thriving in life and requires a willingness to let go of outcomes.
- Adding value starts with a willingness to deeply listen without judgment or manipulative agenda.
- Fear is the major obstacle to all three of these things.
- Real listening requires letting go of what we think we want and being an empty container that's willing to understand the more in-depth issues and opportunities beyond the fearful stories.
- Taking things personally puts us back into a fearful state and makes it near impossible to listen for a deeper opportunity that allows for new insights and see our circumstances with new eyes.
- Getting lost in stories steals our attention and puts us out of the present moment.
Let go of the outcomes, listen deeply without judgment, and be heart-fully engaged in your human experience. With these things in mind, you're well on your way to thriving in life. Live video broadcast on “Holding Space for Love to Be Seen.” Tell your friends!